l i f e // g o e s // o n

first of all, i'm so sorry. sorry i've not written to you in the best part of six months. half a year has gone by and of course i think about this place every single day. i am thankful for it being a great release and an even bigger part of my life during such a dark time. i'm most thankful to you, for reading it. maybe this is your first visit to my little corner of awkward words but luckily for you, this time it comes with a complete backstory so you're up to speed.

another one bites the dust

fuck off 2014, you absolute bellend

well it's that time of year again when we're drowned in "new year new me" statuses and tweets. for some, it's exhausting but for others, it's quite nice to see friends so happy and determined/motivated. i'm over the moon to see how well 2014 treated a lot of you and equally as upset about how fucking tragic it was for some others. but it's done now. no point crying over spilt milk. let's just leave it in the past and then keep our heads held high, ready for 2015.

one more sleep

thank you nursery xo

that's right. christmas eve is finally here so we all know what tomorrow brings!!!?! awkward conversation, unrealistic expectations, underwhelming gifts and oversized jumpers lol jk i think it brings the break we all really need. i was lucky enough to score a half day at work today and, even though i took down all the decorations ready for our 2015 return, it was a nice end to my year there. but now i'm home with a nap under my belt, things are all a bit different.

the unbreakable lotus in me

book is planned just not written

this gloomy wednesday marks the end of my time off work but, hands held high, i'm actually excited to go back tomorrow. three busy days is enough for me and i just want to give everyone in nursery a cuddle now. today i decided not to stress too much about replying to emails or writing my novel (seriously, so far behind now. this thing will never get written) and opted for an impromptu tattoo because what's better than having your skin scarred and then slapped by 1 year olds 24 hours later?

you will remember me for centuries

genuine bisous 

100 posts. 100 fucking posts everyone. who would've thought it? okay here's your chance to own up - if you really didn't think i could make it 100 days on this blog, raise your hand. consider mine raised alongside yours, don't you worry. it's been a bumpy ride, full of ups and downs, but one which i wouldn't change for the world. thank you, really and honestly, for ever finding yourself here. it sounds like i'm dying but as far as i'm aware, i'm not. here's to 100 more. posts, not years. good lord.

i've got 99 problems but a blog ain't one

BLOGCEPTION

it's so late and i've got so much shit to do it's quite frankly unbelievable. it's also sod's law that i have about 19000 things to blog about tonight when i'm always gasping for ideas otherwise but every section will be brief. i'm talking "a few sentences" brief. maybe i should stick to this mantra from now on to decrease the waffle but if there's anything i've learned from reading other blogs, it's that sometimes waffle is okay. that and pick your moments - there's nothing worse than when a blog ends before it even begins to decribe half of-

but i like the way i feel inside

THROWBACK TUESDAY?

talk about a terrible tuesday CHRIST ALIVE i feel like i'm just about ready to tear (what's left of) my hair out. it's been 0% fun and 100% stressful but maybe that's helping to make these nerds taste even sweeter than they already are. i'm just keen to lie down (on a sunbed), have a glass of wine (even though i'm not drinking), watch something light (even though messy horror films are my forte) and have a tiny little, winter warming cuddle (boyfriend applications graciously accepted)

you can stand right there if you want but i'm going on

and i mean every word

i just want to take this moment to thank each and every single one of you. yesterday's blog took a lot of balls for me to post and all the anxiety melted away the second it went live. over 400 of you (WHAT) have read that depressing essay (depressay? that might just be my best) and offered up even more words of support and love. some of you have spoken out about your own experiences, some have told me it gets better and some have silently appreciated it. it doesn't matter what was said or done, i'm just glad it was so well received. a heartfelt thank you. 

it's okay not to be okay

genuine warning: this particular blog isn't your regular tongue-in-cheek saturday lol-fest that you've come to expect. things have happened over the past few days (/months) which have instilled me with a sense of pride and confidence and, because of that, today's post won't riddled with rude words and irreverent comedy. instead, it's an all too realistic look back at why this blog is the way it is. it's what i've wanted to say for so long but haven't had the courage to. it's the honest truth.

a little loving like valium

zooey deschanel and tyler oakley

did you know that a group of toads is called a "knot"? now that i've got your attention, we can talk about something more interesting like flowers or music. either way, it's late again (sorry) and i'm really fucking chuffed this week is finally over. granted, i've not been paid yet so my outgoings will have to worry me for another week but i feel genuinely excited that tomorrow is saturday. and you know what? today wasn't actually that bad at all.

you lit the fire glowing in me

what a card though

frankly, after the day i've had, i would rather shit in my hands and clap than talk about anything of substance. it's done nothing but fuel my already warped perception of the human race and, although i try to seek out the few diamonds in the rough, truth be told there is a lot of rough to trawl through. but let's not give life's bitches our time of day. let's take some time to remember that something good does happen every day and (again, because of this uninspired mess of words) that might cheer us up.

and since we found out anything could happen

what went wrong?

do you ever get those days riddled with hindsight and sheer fear of the future? days where you remember what life was before you turned into an adult and did adult things like work for a living and have responsibilities and worry about phone bills and have little free time to wipe your own arse? after a frantic week, today has turned out to be one of those days. it's the quiet comedown from my stressful high and i hate every second of it. well not every second.

leave me alone i'm lonely

let's be social, okay? 

apparently humans are social animals. they thrive in social situations and a lot of their happiness is centred around this (i should probably say "we" not them, i'm still a human just about). you mightn't think it but i'm not very social. i cope alright in familiar scenarios but being switched on all the time is bloody draining and i like nothing better than sitting by myself after a long day, blogging about what i've bought before having a bath and reading a book. i'm beginning to understand why i'm 23 and single.

before it has begun, we've already won

the epitome of my mood today

after news of a miscarriage and the horrific sight of a dying cyclist mown down on my way home from work, it's hard to find the silver linings of today. maybe it's because i'm eternally exhausted but i feel torn apart - sorry that my giveaway day is tainted by such sad news but i pride myself on portraying a realistic persona through social media. my life isn't any better or worse than yours, it's just different and that's what people need to understand. okay, let's combat all this horror with some niceties, eh?

they say home is where you heart is set in stone

hello world/bench

i fucking love bristol. it's a place that everyone should visit and learn to appreciate if you don't already live here. it's a good size, full of personality, busy without being overwhelming and picturesque. of course it, like everywhere else, has its downfalls but if you're smart enough to consciously not piss everyone off around you, you should be alright in the end. i'm a tiny, angry, blatant homosexual and i've drunkenly walked the 7 miles to my house several times and lived to tell the tale. 

it's just too little too late

did this last night NICE ISN'T IT

i've had a fucking busy day and it means that i've only just got home ergo only just got the chance to blog ergo this is probably not published on saturday ergo my "blogging for ___ days straight" chain has been broken ergo i'm sad. it's half past midnight and i'm hoping i can trick my chromebook into thinking i wrote this much earlier than in reality but we'll see where that goes. it's going to be really short tonight because i'm exhausted.

well frankly i'm just disappointed

nearly halloween LET'S EAT

it's getting near the end of the year already so let's start a new thing where we touch on a moral or lesson during the content of every post, okay? heads up, i've said it before, i fall out of love with things very quickly (but not humans sadly MY ACHEY BREAKY HEART) so expect this to last all of a week and then i'll be back to telling you how much i spent in a charity shop. let's not think about the inevitably disappointing future just yet, there's some shit for me to chat and a weird message to think about so let's crack on before we all change our minds. 

nobody knows but you might make me come alive

terrifying but full of love 

as the blog closes in on 2500 views (wait...what?) and i've written awful things about my life for 50 days straight (again, let's just take a moment) i think it's really important to send out another great fucking big "jesus christ almighty thank you". i started writing because it helped me: it's cathartic in a time when i need a release because my inability to emote is crippling me. now i write because i love it but more importantly, because you read it. so, to show my gratitude, i'm going to give some more shit away. can't say no to free shit can you?

just as long as i'm the name on your tattooed heart

hummingbird heartbeat 

i'm definitely one to "get back on the horse" and after tuesday's inky savaging of my side, i was keen to get back into the tattoo studio and make sure i wasn't put off. this time, i let jon scar my thigh which is a lot fleshier than my bony hip. also here's a nice picture of the hummingbird which tore me apart so ruthlessly. it's called "valentine" in honour of my dad - we're both very small, hardy, adaptable and deceitfully "strong". cheers gaz, you're the best.

i've been around the world and i i i

BY DAY

okay so today's lyric title is a bit misleading but i did go back to bath yesterday and i've travelled around bristol town today so that's basically the world, no? either way, i got off of my self-pitying ass and out of my comfort zone to do things that would hopefully make me happy. and you know what? they did. it's been a bittersweet few days but, if i'm focussing on consciously making the effort to be happier, there are a lot of positives i can blatantly see. join me, won't you?