and since we found out anything could happen

what went wrong?

do you ever get those days riddled with hindsight and sheer fear of the future? days where you remember what life was before you turned into an adult and did adult things like work for a living and have responsibilities and worry about phone bills and have little free time to wipe your own arse? after a frantic week, today has turned out to be one of those days. it's the quiet comedown from my stressful high and i hate every second of it. well not every second.


i'm not sure but i think it's a very self-aware "oh fucking hell, it's emo hour" on the cards

i'm sat here in my pants, furiously typing this stream of consciousness between taking swigs of cloudy lemonade lucozade to keep me alert (seriously though, this lucozade is half the sugar and double the wonder). not entirely sure what it's all about but i'm more worried about my "bigger picture" than tonight's post. where am i going? what am i doing? what i am working towards, if anything, and why do i not feel like i'm getting anywhere? is it okay to be this directionless at 23?

of fucking course it is, shut up mental half of me. 23 is really young in the grand scheme of things - i've got a long old time to sort myself out with something more concrete that i've got now. so why can't i just embrace what i have got and be thankful for it? am i really that dissatisfied with so many aspects of my life that in comparison to everyone else i'm worse off than them? is this series of questions becoming increasingly dark and depressing?

of fucking course it is, shut up mental half of me. why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to people so much? what is it hard-wired inside so many humans that relies on other people's happiness/failures/perceptions to fuel our own? it's ugly and i hate it but i'm victim to it like millions of others. does having different qualities to everyone else mean you're not as good as them? no way, it just means you're different and as much as i detest clichés, being different isn't always a bad thing. in fact, sometimes it can be your defining quality and that's as much as compliment as it is an ego boost.

work baby xoxoxo

an old friend wrote me today and the letter was absolutely divine. she asked about my life now and what i'd been up to in the years since i last saw her. there were mentions of gigs we've been to, the years at work together and an eternity of smile inducing love. it got me thinking about where i was 5 years ago and, if i could turn back time, i would want to be that person again. and i'm still not sure i can answer that.

but that doesn't matter right now. like i said, there's years to sort myself out. to "find" myself all over again, to pursue a passion, to hone a craft, to get over him and fall in love again, to finally adopt a dog and to be happy with the life that i've crafted for myself. i've taken a few wrong turns along the way (haven't we all?) but you really are in control of a lot and if being happy is a conscious decision, then this is my conscious declaration to keep on trucking. and i think you should too because there's a lot of stuff out there, new and exciting things/familiar and terrifying things, but encountering them makes you "you" and that's the most important thing #emo

let's take some time to chill after all that with "what the fuck is that song?"

it's "cruel" by jessie ware again because this is a live version which maybe even trumps the studio version. very excited for my solo broken hearted january date with her. fantastic xo