there's a world outside your window

current state of mind

i'm writing to you today through the blurry eyes of a sad little homosexual, pained by insignificance, sleep deprivation and an eternal headache. i just burped and it literally resonated throughout my temples as furious echo. also, no matter the brightness of this fucking chromebook screen, any light seems to be making me feel worse. along with food, water, ticking clocks, music and any form of human interaction. but what's new there? it's only fitting to follow up an emo post with something pensive so let's do this. quickly.

"what the fuck are you on about?"

yesterday was all about being okay with not being okay. owning up to having a shit day and saying "that's alright, at least i made it. now let's get some sleep and see how tomorrow goes" only you don't really get any sleep and tomorrow feels just as bad and the fact that you've got a shitstorm of a headache but every little pickle in the nursery wants to rough play with your skull doesn't make things any easier. then you come home and have to try to perk up and write something witty and engaging that people will enjoy, thrive off and be stimulated by. only your motivation is swiftly running out and any ability to write has run dry so you're sat, cradling your broken head in your hands, hoping that the overtly festive fairy lights won't beckon the start of a brand new migraine. 

but listen. don't pull the pity party card LIKE ME. think about the bigger picture. there's a lot going on right now. for you, for me, for everyone else. people are "in medias res": literally in the midst of things. behind those closed doors that you don't think about - your boss', the nursery parent's, the bus stranger's - are worlds of joy, sadness, excitement, terror and pain. people are dealing with their own shit in their own way. maybe it's worse or better than yours. that's not to say that your stuff is any less important, that's not what i'm getting at. all i know is it's different. they're coping with things you couldn't even fathom. things that, like voldemort, are unmentionable. you're not alone, remember that. people have been through hell and back but you might not even know it. 

so that day that you come home and want to switch everything off/just sleep forever and your friend texts you for some sage advice but you save it for later and don't give it a second thought? don't do that today. give yourself a break, we all deserve one once in a while (though i can think of a few people who should be given less breaks and more fucking canings lol jk but not really though), but then text them back. make that call. reply to that letter. pay that bill. whilst you're "in medias res", people are making the effort with you. and you can't expect the world to keep on turning if life is a one way street. 

a song? yes. too many are fitting. "what the fuck is that song?"

"two way street" is by kimbra. the title is more relevant than anything else today but this kiwi babe has featured on the blog before, mainly because she churns out some fucking a-class weird-ass pop music. this is all about love and such which is lovely and awful in equal measure but this version (even though i question the "live" aspect of it) is lovely and awful in unequal measure. in that it's more lovely than awful. actually it's not awful at all. give it a bash. 

also, listen to "try" by p!nk because, even though it's not her best song (by a long shot) and it's all about love too, it's also about what we having to keep on fucking doing even though, too often, it feels like hard work. you've got to get up and try try try xo