these are just darks days that we must survive

do you know what? sometimes it's okay to admit that you've taken one step forward and two steps back. life isn't always a straight line, there's fucking loads of twists and turns along the way and we tell ourselves that those experiences shape the people we are. maybe they really do or maybe we're just clinging to any silver lining we can find. either way, i woke up today and felt like i'd taken a hundred steps back. and do you know why? no. me neither. 

"oh fucking hell, it's emo hour" but i'm ill and tired so let's keep this brief 

nothing's happened. no big cataclysmic event: no new diagnosis, no death, no nothing. maybe it's my sleeping pattern having been broken all over again but i woke up today and just didn't want to move. it's been a few weeks since i had to drag my sorry ass out of bed but today was one of those days. i felt defeated, pathetic, lethargic, numb and worthless. it felt like there was nothing to get up for. no reason to try and seize the day. it's proof that something's really wrong when i don't even want to online shop. 

but i don't want to dwell on the hows and whys - mainly because i don't know enough about them - because this blog is all about trying to see things differently: making the conscious effort to be happy. i know how hypocritical i sound when i preach all of these positive vibes and then say "oh well i feel sad today" and i get that it isn't just as easy as switching your "happiness button" on. because, believe me, if that were the case, we would all be fucking chuffed 24/7. but don't throw yourself a pity party. things are hard and that's okay. let yourself emote. cry. throw something. write a poem. eat a whole cheesecake. but don't let that mood define you - that's where it all spirals downwards. even if it feels like you can't keep going, you've got a reserve. it might be really bloody hard to find, it might be more obvious than you thought it would be. but somewhere in you is that drive to get better. seek it out. find the silver lining. 

my silver lining is this post. the fact that i can write it out (like wait it out. imogen heap! nope? okay) and then it's purged from my system. well, sort of anyway. a problem shared is a problem halved and if i've learnt anything from writing these seemingly pointless posts it's that a lot of you feel the same way. so i guess there's solace in that. not in a "misery loves company" sense but moreso "you are not alone" (mj now, come on guys). don't compare yourself to other people - this blog is a rare "realistic" use of social media and i'm not ashamed to say that as hard as i'm trying to be happy, today it's just not working for me. 

but there's always tomorrow xo