never thought that i could be happy

dear verity, i love you

how was your day? did you dress up as a big fat gay santa, mince down some fatally slippery stairs and then stand in front of a fucking huge crowd of 0-4 year olds and their parents to pretend you're a) santa b) straight c) a good singer and d) not actually insane? okay well then take a look at the bigger picture. i went for a glass of wine after work because, well you read the second sentence and i've come home, tired, sweaty and exhausted, to be greeted with a REAL LIFE CHRISTMAS PRESENT AND CARD SENT IN THE POST. 

"what the fuck are you so happy about?"

i'm happy that, regardless of the tumultuous time i've had over the past year, people up and down the country still have time for me. i'm happy that i feel "well" enough to make time to see these people and to stay in touch with them. i'm happy that i'm consciously battling against my introverted sense of exhaustion and apathy to spend time with people. i'm happy that i feel i can talk about this. on the other end of the spectrum, i'm sad that i still feel tired around people. i'm sad that i naturally go to a negative place instead of finding the silver lining straight away. i'm sad that there's a few people that i really wish i made more effort with but, as we all know, adult life gets in the way and maintaining friendships like you're 17 again just isn't realistic. i'm sad that people might think less of me because i still struggle around humans. but i'm happy that i'm working on it. 

"what the fuck is that song?"

it's "happy" by marina and the diamonds. because she's amazing and this new album will be amazing. and because, after today, i feel quite happy xo