hold onto anything just so you don't crash

down but not out yet 

there comes a time when it dawns on you just how much progress you've made and everything you're working towards feels that much closer. it'd fill me with a lifetime of happiness to tell you today is that day but it feels quite the opposite. it's a benchmark that i don't want to reach again: a step backwards to a new low. but this whole blog, every crude word and badly edited picture of it, is meant to be working towards something positive. so let's take a look at where do we go from here (#imogen heap)

this'll be quick because a) i don't want my stream of consciouness to become negative and b) i've got shit to do but "what the fuck are you on about?"

it's been a strange day, not necessarily bad just very eye opening. i realised lots of things about myself and the decisions i've made in the past which have put me where i am today. if we take a tiny slither of my life initially, a lot has happened: moved sixth forms and met a whole new group of friends, took a gap year to "earn money and become an adult" (i did neither), chose to attend and graduate uni in bath where i made friends for life and had a lovely little boozy job that made me happier than i can remember, i've fallen in love and had my heart broken but lived to tell the tale amongst so much more.

i remember how i felt when i finished my GCSEs. a proper fat, directionless waste of space. it wasn't pleasant and i had no idea what to do. now, i'm not saying the decisions i've made were right or wrong but regardless of what has happened, they've put me where i am today. it might not necessarily be where i want to be but fuck me have i learnt a lot. maybe it takes a crushing low like this to really force you to dig that much deeper and look at the bigger picture of your life. if i was that fat, directionless waste 7 years ago, then it's okay to feel like a slimmer, directionless waste now. because it's certain that the decisions i'll be making as i grow up will shape and change my life infinitely.

of course there are good and bad decisions, let's not fuck about. but there are so many different paths to take and i think that's what always scared me: not having everything set in stone. i'm a nester, a control freak and an anxious person at heart. change unsettles and terrifies me but, as much as it pains me to admit it, i think i've reached a point in my life where change is essential to my happiness. it's self-aware and a bit self-absorbed but it's all i know. i don't know what you guys are thinking or feeling and if i did, i wish i could help. i can't tell you what to do. all i can say is "every fire is a lesson learned"

"what the fuck is that song?"

listen to every single word of this song please xo