all i want is something new

this is neither new nor relevant 

"try new things" they say "it'll do you good". tell me that again when a) i'm vomiting back up those oysters or b) soothing my itchy arse after test driving a new shaving cream and i swear to god i'll bite. but sometimes, trying new things really is good. just pick your battles because there's a lot of shit that might not necessarily be out to get you but it's sure as shit waiting in the wings, hoping you'll be allergic to it. the world is a cruel mistress but try some lactose free frozen yoghurt before you pop your clogs, it'll do you good.

"what the fuck are you so happy about?"

there's a few bits and bots which have kept a smile on my face today but there are three that stand out from the crowd.

number one: frozen yoghurt

tastes like bad monday in a good way

never tried it before, went to a "froyo" bar after work and made my own. lactose free coconut, chocolate orange, artifical banana: they've got it all. and toppings FUCKIN' 'ELL the toppings. we're talking jazzies to caramel sauce, jelly beans to balls of mango juice. rolos and oreos alongside tangfastics and liquorice berries. i threw away nearly £9 for two pots (i went with someone dw but sidenote i could demolish two alone) but they were worth every penny. i mean just look at the calorie fest that i inhaled.

number two: packages (calm down) and deliveries

flawlessness epitomised

i've told you about the joy that comes with buying things and the excitement that escalates as you realise there's an unopened parcel in your house just waiting for your impatient hands to tear it open and then be underwhelmed at your idiotic impulse buy. i came back to work today and there was a parcel for me but, for once, the contents didn't disappoint. a set of alphabet stamps for my letters and cards (here's your cue to point and laugh) but they came in a beautifully ornate box and they're elegant and tasteful and wonderful and less than £6! haters back off. 

number three: motherfucking sea monkeys

remember these? of course you do. i got bought some at uni but they never amounted to anything and prior to that, my last memorable batch came with me to primary school and, what with our mixed year class, some younger year 5 bitch (i remember you roxanne and i'll find you one day) stuck her finger in and swizzled them all into oblivion. seeing as i can't really adopt any more hamsters, i went low maintenance and bought these babies who'll be a) creepy b) unexplainable and c) safe atop my desk, away from grotty little "pregnant at 14" hands. viva la fossils

maybe i should do a song. shall i do a song? "what the fuck is that song?"

everything should sound like this xo