born with a void heart to destroy

wedding flowers because sadness

i have absolutely no desire to blog anything even relatively positive today but i'm going to try my best to throw something together that is vaguely readable. i promise nothing though: today has been such a struggle that the second i came home, i poured myself a mixing bowl full of three different cereals. maybe my only good decision of the day but it was a solid 8/10 until i end up shitting myself later. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. for now, i'll just listen to katy perry and hope happiness falls into place.

i can literally only think of one relevant thing today and "what the fuck are you on about?"

it's called "thought challenging" and it's about WAIT FOR IT GUYS challenging your thoughts. the (all too common) negative ones to be specific. basically, what you're meant to do is write down what your "hot thought" is, find evidence for and against it and then re-assess your belief in the statement. i'll give it a go so you can guys can see what i mean.

hot thought: "everyone is doing better than me" 

evidence for: betters jobs, in relationships, they've moved out, stability, children, "happiness" 

evidence against: i'm using my degree, i'm not tied down to anything, social media falsifies happiness

re-assessed thought: "maybe i'm not worse than them, just different" 

emo and very basic but hopefully you get the idea. in the nicest way, i hope this isn't relevant to a lot of you because battling with your thoughts every day is fucking tough work, i'll tell you that much for free. if you want to give this thought challenging a bash, there's a lot more information here. one of the more important things i'm trying not to do is shit on other people - there's no need to drag others down with you, you know?

right enough of that already. shite post to reflect a shite day. let's listen to a song. 

"what the fuck is that song?"

there's a reason this wily bitch will forever be my favourite and it's epitomised at about 3:30. i know she's got a weird voice and this does nothing to wash away that reputation but as if this song wasn't already crushing enough, she takes it to a new level with that falsetto. the control, the tone, the emotion, everything about this performance is wonderful. i like it all the more because it sounds like ellie goulding before she "made it". i'm a firm believer that whilst her electro influence is interesting and helped define herself, she still ends up a bit long amongst the synths from time to time. there's no risk of that here - it sounds like acoustic ellie which will eternally be the best kind xo