i try to say goodbye and i choke

dusky and emotional

it's been a strange kind of day. a belated end to a very manic week. i rarely write about work here (mainly down to the sheer terror that someone will sue me for revealing too much nursery information) but today it feels quite apt. it's not a rant or a confession, more of an epiphany or emotional release? it's not as emo as it sounds i promise*.

one of my favourite little guys left for school today. he was an absolute diamond in the rough. not sure if it's news to anyone but a lot of 2-5 year olds are little shits. honestly, i worry about our future if these little demons are growing up and getting worse. i guess that's where we come in as nursery practitioners: making sure they're nurtured, stimulated and on the right track.

where we were? oh yeah, the little guy. he was absolutely amazing. i dyed my hair blonde and it went a fucking dreadful shade of yellow and he came up to tell me i looked like a rockstar. he admired all of my tattoos and even got a transfer one to show me the next day. he pulled at my piercings, told me all about what he'd been up to and genuinely cared for other children. he was a breath of fresh air. and today i said goodbye for the last time because, like everyone else, he's growing up.

god, this is dull. "what the fuck are you on about?"

it broke my heart. if i wasn't dead on the inside, i would've been crying much like his mum and lots of the other nursery staff. he was just an absolute delight to have around and i made sure he, and all of his family, knew that. i wasn't even based in the same room as him and hadn't been there long enough to see him grow from a baby into the handsome, wonderful little boy he is now. that's a blessing in disguise: i probably would've openly wept otherwise. you become so aware of your own life and mortality working in a nursery, it's a really unsettling sensation when you overthink things there.

BUT it's okay really. there are lots more children i work with who are nice. lots who will (hopefully) grow up to be just like this little treasure. but nobody will ever replace him. i made him promise to come back and visit his cousin that i look after. he pinky promised it, so i've got my hopes up big time.

to chill out, i went to the "secret garden" outside of nursery to read my book (as i always do because social situations are just too much right now) i took a really nice picture and it's right here for you.

attempt #98457948679 

we can't go today without "what the fuck is that song?"

it's "best mistake" by ariana grande. a bit of a slowjam step down from the cataclysmic success of "problem" and the angry synths of "break free" but amazing and underrated in its own right.  her new album is going to be the one.

*maybe it was emo, sorry