"oh fucking hell, it's emo hour"
today, this very day, marks the anniversary of my suicide attempt. that's never going to be an easy thing to write. i've deleted the sentence three times now to try and find a way to sidestep around the subject but that's the black and white of it. a year ago this weekend i went out with some friends whilst cripplingly depressed, spoke about my life, realised my worst fears were all coming true and ended up trying to jump off of a bridge. if you don't want to know the ending, turn away now. spoiler: i was saved. by the police, literally, but moreso but the figurative things that weren't there at the time: my family, my friends, my motivation, my pride, my lust for life & learning and most of all, my stubbornness.
this past year i have been "on the mend", tallying up my prescription costs and clocking up days worth of therapy to get to the bottom of why i'm such a mess. it hasn't been easy and people really have got it right when they say it gets worse before it gets better. you might have days lost in your own thoughts, unable to drag yourself out of bed to face up to the harsh reality that you hate your job and half of your friends aren't there anymore. maybe you'll finally come to terms with how you look and how inevitable it is that you'll end up bald, fat and really really angry at the world. maybe you'll feel like you want to get back on that bridge and try a bit harder because that's what would be best.
for me, this is where reality kicks in. there is quite literally nothing stopping me from getting back to that place and jumping. except myself. have i really seen everything i want to see? learnt everything i want to know? met the people that could be around for the rest of my life? are 24 years enough on the planet to understand why we're put here and what i can do to change the world? absolutely not. and those days when i text my nearest and dearest saying "i'm feeling bridgey" and they reply saying "let's have a drink and a talk" - i know it's not really their reply that i'm looking for. it's accepting to myself the fact that i'm still not okay. and, spectacularly, that's okay.
of course the path to recovery is long and winding. it's full of ups and downs, three steps forward and nineteen steps back. it's never going to be simple but i knew that before i had even started. the first doctor i saw told me "there's different types of personalities in the world. i think you already know that you're never going to spend the rest of your life dancing your way through fields of sunshine and buttercups". her unprofessional honesty is something i am eternally grateful for. it concreted the fact that i'm not like that at all - i am so manic - and i don't think i need an ocd/anxiety/bipolar disorder diagnosis to come to terms with that. i've been battling my demons since i could think for myself and whilst trying to throw myself off of a bridge mightn't be the best way to go about self-acceptance, being so close to death is hands down the biggest learning curve of my life and i will never regret what i did because it's helping me to understand who i am and how to deal with that.
maybe some people "find" themselves at 16 when they touch a boob in a dimly lit bedroom but i'm struggling on into my mid-twenties and i've only just begun to understand who mitch cole really is. a year ago i would've told you i hated his guts for being so stubborn, judgemental, passive-aggressive and unhappy. now, i can tell you that i admire his honesty, sentimentality, passion, heart and drive. he's not the best around but he's certainly not the worst. coming to terms with your imperfections is half of the journey to happiness. my most recent tattoo is a gabrielle aplin lyric wrapped around my thigh that i look at every single day: "it is the beauty of our flaws that will define us".
i met up with an old friend recently. i used to work alongside him and hadn't seen him in a year. we bumped into eachother and made a passing comment about how all of our old friends say "yeah, let's arrange that drink soon!" and sure as shit, nothing happens. i knew i wanted to see ricky again so i messaged him and within a week, we were sat down talking as if we'd seen eachother every day. it's that easy. turns out, life deals people a lot of shit hands. whilst i was ready to tell him what tragedies i'd lived through, he told me his dad had died last week. i was broken. for him to be so brave and honest about it all, especially to someone he's not seen in months, was really heartwarming. he told me his dad's death was bittersweet: sad for all of the obvious reasons but amazing because it's given him a new lust for life. he's doing the things he loves because, as my dad says, "life is but a holiday from death". ricky is a perfect example of someone i love to be around: he's positive, he's honest, he's funny and he's genuine. he told me to find the things that i really enjoy and make sure i'm working towards my dreams. i need to take a leaf out of his book.
like a lot of you, i get lost in youtube. i fucking love getting wrapped up in other people's lives - it's real but it's not real life to me. give me a new youtuber and a free weekend and i'm a happy lad. after admiring their courage to finally come out, i bought joey graceffa and connor franta's books in a hope it'd shed more light on their lives in comparison to their eight minute videos. whereas joey's book is very self-pitying (the world vs joey graceffa, such hardships, such bullying, such perfect hair and teeth and such supportive friends and family), franta's book was magical. part self-help, part memoir, it read like my own words. i understood and adored every single page of "a work in progress" and come the end, i was genuinely moved and inspired to pursue the things that make me happy. i'm going for that promotion in work and if i don't get it, i'm moving on. i'm going to finish writing my book and i'm going to apply for music internships and pray someone invests in me. maybe it'll work out. maybe, like a lot of things in life, it'll go tits up. but you won't know unless you try. and lord knows, i've got a few tries left in me yet.
i am so proud of how far i've come. i'm coming to terms with the fact that depression could be a war i may lose but it's a series of battles that i intend to win. every day is a struggle but every day is a gift. you know me, i almost always collapse at cringey quotes but sometimes you find one that rings too true on days like today. "the past is history. the future is a mystery. but today is a gift. that's why we call it the present". so find a reason to live today. count your blessings. get off of your ass and do the thing you promised yourself you'd do three weeks ago. apply for a new job. get back in contact with your old friend. write a blog about your journey. just make it count because there might not be a tomorrow. and even then, it might be too late.
elton john told me that sorry seems to be the hardest word. but really i think it's "goodbye". i had no intention of leaving this blog in the dirt all those six months ago. but i've been so busy keeping myself afloat and trying to "get better" that i've had no time to keep it up. and truth be told, i've not really missed it all that much. of course i miss the odd comment from friends or strangers, especially those made awkwardly to me in person, but knowing that i am pulling myself away from the computer screen for long enough to really embrace life right now is a good enough reason to move onto pastures new (but if you don't want to do that, all of my social media links are on the side hello xo). i love that this place will always be here - it's half the reason i love writing because it leaves behind such a legacy. i mean 11000 views later and people are still popping by - and maybe one day i'll check back in and some of you will still be here, listening to my song of the day. but right now, after i've finally found a good note to leave it on, i guess this is goodbye.
thank you so much for everything: your views, your words, your comments and criticisms, your hugs and jokes, your advice and your inspiration. i owe so much of this past year to you. just know that somehow, somewhere along the line, you helped to save my life.
& i will never forget that.
No comments:
Post a Comment