these are just darks days that we must survive

do you know what? sometimes it's okay to admit that you've taken one step forward and two steps back. life isn't always a straight line, there's fucking loads of twists and turns along the way and we tell ourselves that those experiences shape the people we are. maybe they really do or maybe we're just clinging to any silver lining we can find. either way, i woke up today and felt like i'd taken a hundred steps back. and do you know why? no. me neither. 

why would you wake me if you're not gunna save me?

i'm wearing leggings

as it turns out, i really will never be healthy again. spent last night and most of this morning stuck somewhere in between the conscious and unconscious realms - not sure i've slept for 12 hours or none at all. all i know is i listened to a lot of music in the dark and it was quite the surreal experience. music (and emotions) are a lot more raw at night and so i've been thrown from pillar to post listening to the likes of olly murs, birdy, escape the fate, pentatonix, ariana grande, jack garratt and so much more.

gotta get down on friday

tip of the iceberg

it was black friday today and don't we fucking know it. those videos of people getting trampled and punched are really upsetting for a number of reasons - not just because it's people getting hurt but because it's such an ugly side of the human race. i'm already pretty certain we're all awful but days like today do nothing to invest more hope into us fucking cretins. i mean pulling a woman's hair to get her off of a TV with 15% off? go fuck yourself, you selfish, moronic, dishonourable mutant of a person. but, let's get back to business.

& i want to thank you

i'm so thankful for you guys xo

i think it's thanksgiving. is it thanksgiving? let's all take some time to google it. DON'T WORRY I'VE DONE IT NOW and yes, it really is thanksgiving. am i american? no, not at all. but i quite like the idea of this holiday - being positive and eating loads. it's sort of like a pre-christmas bash and that's definitely okay with me because it means we can talk about festivities and all you fucking scrooges can't be hating on it because obama tells me it's okay. obama though, what a man. shall we take a moment?

we are the sparks that never fade

maybe i do like girls after all

there's some things in life you've got to laugh at otherwise you'd cry. the sort of things like how tragically sly and petty some people are; poorly made decisions which a child could've judged better; the daily happenings in the life of a depressed, borderline ocd riddled bipolar 23 year old gay man. to tune it all out, there's always music. so today, after a never-ending shift, i ended up falling asleep on the bus and taking a great big fucking tour around bristol subconsciously listening to, yes you guessed it, gabrielle aplin.

if we're brave enough, we won't save it up for later

this brucey did it

i've eaten a whole cake today. not a little cake either. a 6 serving, 132% of my saturated fat kind of cake. as if i can justify that, i haven't eaten much in the past two days and still feel pretty shit. also, i fancied some cake. so i did it and you know what? i DON'T regret it. but there's only so much happiness that layers upon layers of voluptuous sponge, flawless buttercream and decadent marbled cocoa swirls can bring you. the rest comes down to shopping.

"let it snow" is blasting out but i won't get in the mood

making this desk festive as fuck

holy fuck, christmas eve is a month away which means it's sort of okay to start getting excited about the festivities now. the lights are on, the trees are up, the songs are being sung and the overpriced christmas items are on the shelves. whereas the magic of christmas used to enthral and excite me, with age i've come to accept that it's simply not as fantastic anymore. people say "OH IT'S AMAZING WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS" but i'm currently womb-less so let's just try and enjoy what we can, eh?

you got me so wrapped up

some serious mercy killing here

it shouldn't come as any shock to you that i'm ill again. i mean i've had about 3 days of good health so it's only right that i'm back in bed, shivering my way through episodes of "you deserve a drink". this is what i get for attempting to escape my house and actually socialise with people. but what do you when you're ill? rhetorical question alert that's right, play amazing games, eat chewits and watch shite films. so today's joy has come from far cry 3 and GOJIRA godzilla!

i've got a blank space baby and i'll write your name

just call me wednesday addams

i was going to wait until my view count hit 7500 before staging another giveaway/giveaday/letter sending fiasco but i've just scrolled back through my (surprisingly infuriating) statuses and realised that on 31st august, i said thank you for helping me hit 1000 views. that means, in less than three months, you beauties have clocked/clicked up over 6000 more views. for those who aren't good at maths (hello mum xo) that's about 2000 views a month. 500 views a week. more than 70 views a day. IS THIS A THING?

we're too blind to see what's really here in front of our eyes

i think this is in bath! 

TGIF!!!!!!!! i've been back in work for a mere two days but it feels like i've been there an eternity and so i'm writing to you from the confines of my bed, lucozade and sick bucket at the ready. what a weekend this'll be. as we all know, music is a great escape. and there's one little lady who holds a special place in my heart forever and always and that's miss gabrielle aplin. yeah, she sung that john lewis song once upon a meadow but she did bloody loads before that. get ready for this new series.

back to life, back to reality

definitely don't have a bog eye 

well my time off is over and don't i fucking know it. waking up was crippling, leaving the house was brutal, actually being in work was pretty sweet because i missed it but i'm home and i feel rank. proper poorly little puppy i am right now, wrapped up all toasty because WINTER IS HERE which is one good thing i can take from today. also, massive shout out to my nursery babes for being so wonderful today (and all the time) making me feel loved and welcomed back into the warm prison that is adult life. 

the unbreakable lotus in me

book is planned just not written

this gloomy wednesday marks the end of my time off work but, hands held high, i'm actually excited to go back tomorrow. three busy days is enough for me and i just want to give everyone in nursery a cuddle now. today i decided not to stress too much about replying to emails or writing my novel (seriously, so far behind now. this thing will never get written) and opted for an impromptu tattoo because what's better than having your skin scarred and then slapped by 1 year olds 24 hours later?

we found wonderland, you and i got lost in it

goodbye money/identity/pride

day two of my time off work and i'm starting to go crazy. missing my colleagues a lot and i've even started missing those little pickles too. unbelievable. even though my social anxiety was sky high today, my cabin fever was too much to handle so i ventured out and about to get some shopping done after i had donated half of my wardrobe to charity. got some birthdays coming up and got a FANCY DRESS PARTY to attend so a real life shopping list was drawn up. did i follow it? did i buggery. 

i (don't) like mondays

serious bonding with diego

it may be the first day of the working week but my "monday blues monday poos" were nowhere to be seen because I'VE GOT THREE DAYS OFF THIS WEEK. sorry guys but it turns out that having a breakdown and forgetting about your annual holiday until the end of the year means lots of impromptu long weekends that can be spent doing lots of lovely things. so i started as i mean to go on and did a few nice things which i'm going to tell you about. i hope your mondays were alright though. 

i need to be heard and i'm gunna find the right words

thanks charlie simpson xo

if sunday isn't a day for hungover pensiveness (not getting a red line under it thus am pretending it's a real word) then i don't know what is. i'm not hungover but i am 100% pensive which is okay and so, even more than usual, i am wholeheartedly appreciating the words that emotionally damaged (fe)male singer-songwriters use in their music. for me, the crux of a song is the lyrics and so today i'm just going to type out lots of words which i really enjoy and hope to encourage you to spread your musical wings/ears... what?

darling it's better down where it's wetter

sebastian, is that you?

i booked some days off of work because it was all getting a bit much and i needed some time to chill (and sort my life out/write a book but they can wait) so today i went to the aquarium with the tiny little slice of joy that is lions, tigers & beauty. we'd never been before and, seeing as it WAS SITTING ON OUR DOORSTEP - i hate that phrase - was so close and we had a rare free saturday together, we figured we could go shark spotting and octopus ogling.

there's polyphonic voices in my head again

this isn't a dick pic

i was going to title this blog "i saw superman fly away" in honour of old taylor swift and also the fact that i dressed as superman for children in need today. but then i went to a kate boy gig and they blew the fucking roof off so this one is solely for them. i've mentioned them before on the blog and was buzzing for this gig. it cost me £7.50 and in the end, after an indirect tweet, they put me on the guestlist so i sped to the fleece and caught them just in time.

it's the eye of the tiger

teagan would be proud

hey guess what i'm a hippy now. perhaps a sweeping statement but one that introduces a new, fickle and "magical" interest of mine rather splendidly. after my run in with teagan the rune reader and her all too accurate depiction of my life, i've taken her advice and am attempting to "reconnect" with crystals which i used to hoard when i was but a child. somewhere down the line, i'm hoping i either realise a) they're helping and i become a fully fledged psychic like she said i would be or b) i stop wasting my money on heavy stones.

i might be young but i ain't stupid

this hump day hasn't equipped me well with a witty intro so i apologise up front. i'm not used to being so open and honest (/overly emotional and painfully sentimental) with people and i think it's taking its toll: i'm fucking knackered most, if not all, of the time. it's got to the point where i don't even have a poorly edited picture to put here to entice new readers in. today i've accepted and admitted defeat in terms of pro-active blogging and i guess it really is downhill from here.

you will remember me for centuries

genuine bisous 

100 posts. 100 fucking posts everyone. who would've thought it? okay here's your chance to own up - if you really didn't think i could make it 100 days on this blog, raise your hand. consider mine raised alongside yours, don't you worry. it's been a bumpy ride, full of ups and downs, but one which i wouldn't change for the world. thank you, really and honestly, for ever finding yourself here. it sounds like i'm dying but as far as i'm aware, i'm not. here's to 100 more. posts, not years. good lord.

i've got 99 problems but a blog ain't one

BLOGCEPTION

it's so late and i've got so much shit to do it's quite frankly unbelievable. it's also sod's law that i have about 19000 things to blog about tonight when i'm always gasping for ideas otherwise but every section will be brief. i'm talking "a few sentences" brief. maybe i should stick to this mantra from now on to decrease the waffle but if there's anything i've learned from reading other blogs, it's that sometimes waffle is okay. that and pick your moments - there's nothing worse than when a blog ends before it even begins to decribe half of-

i think i should press delete and clear my history

what an edit, i'm sure you'll agree

i'm writing this swiftly after giving myself a break from my nanowrimo hell (/heaven, just hit 10000 words and now it's like a real story WOAH) but i wanted to say that a) i missed mentioning that this here tiny, slightly awful blog finally hit over 6000 views and b) i am eternally grateful because you're all wonderful. especially since the bridgegate post, i've had so many positive comments and reams of support, both from loved ones and strangers, which is just divine.

i heard you riding with the same tall tale

i designed this IT'S MY BOOK

i've not got much to say today because i've spent my every waking moment desperately trying to make up for lost time by writing thousands of words for my novel. yes i know it sounds might dickish but i feel like i have other words inside of me that aren't useful for this blog. i wrote about nanowrimo a few weeks back and i'm so determined to get something finished come the end of this month, even if it's technically awful. editing comes later. their twitter account even told me "write more shit! clean it up later" and that's what i plan to do. oh, also there's something else.

the heart wants what it wants

cutting it close, see tickets

thank god it's friday, right? what a week it's been. how's yours been? i wish there could be a comment interval in these posts so i could get your feedback as you progress through the irrelevant words. that's besides the point. i'm just letting you know that i love your comments, even if they're full of hate. but back to today, i got home a wonderful little letter which contained a ticket for a gig which i'm all too excited to attend alone. and there was some other gig news so read on if you like.

i'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of vomit

PILLS PILLS PILLS

i used to think i was quite a "healthy" person (physically, not emotionally ofc) but after working in a nursery and keeping my head above water, i really don't think i am. these bugs that fly around work fucking slaughter me when i get them and today has been no exception. i'm a trembling, stuttering, sweaty, furious, smelly, vomiting mess. why can't i just down some beechams and get on with my fucking day? what really made today special was falling over in the shower and being sick on myself.

we never go out of style

consider my hopes raised

i'll hold my hands up and tell you, straight faced, that taylor swift is a guilty pleasure of mine. not so much a guilty pleasure, more a genuine pleasure. she's not one of my ultimate favourites but BUGGER ME that tall cat knows how to write a good pop song. now that she's finally rid herself of the country twang which so obviously held her back, and seeing as she's been a right old knob to spotify, i've just shelled out real life money on her album and i'm going to liveblog my review of it; you're welcome xo

but i like the way i feel inside

THROWBACK TUESDAY?

talk about a terrible tuesday CHRIST ALIVE i feel like i'm just about ready to tear (what's left of) my hair out. it's been 0% fun and 100% stressful but maybe that's helping to make these nerds taste even sweeter than they already are. i'm just keen to lie down (on a sunbed), have a glass of wine (even though i'm not drinking), watch something light (even though messy horror films are my forte) and have a tiny little, winter warming cuddle (boyfriend applications graciously accepted)

take my breath and never let it go

this is called a "champion bouquet"!!

yeah maybe your long distance boyfriend is sending you flowers but my saint of a mother bought me my very own bouquet today so i think we know who's won this round, don't we? it's been a funny old day - long and exhausting - but not a bad one. not by a long shot. but that doesn't mean i'm prepped and ready to churn out 1000 words on what to do when you're feeling like you want to cut all of your hair off. instead, i'm here today to tell you about a song i think is really good. and that's all.

i'm in love with a zombie

complete with droplets of rain!

there's a lot going on in this little brain of mine and you know what is a great distraction? yes, shopping. seeing as it was payday recently and it's been far too long since i've bought stupendously irrelevant things, i figured i'd better get back into the habit before i forget how to spend money altogether and end up becoming a real life grown up and saving some. shopping alone is wonderful:  there's no time limit, you can ignore everyone to the sultry sounds of atomic kitten and you don't have anyone talking you out of buying overpriced ps3 games.

we built this love and we made it our empire

CLUE (also this cluster costs £3500)

rather unceremoniously, my mood has been very caustic since my big bridge-gate blog. i've been a right old pissy bitch, cancelling plans and not sleeping enough on the regular. so when i was faced with a depressed introvert's worst nightmare (seeing an old friend) i was not buzzing. but actually, as it turned out, we dipped our little feet into the pool/sea of spontaneity and it worked entirely in our favour in the sense that we had the best day of 2014 so far. there's loads of pictures to come too, so that's something to look forward to.