signed, sealed, delivered, i'm yours

i love all of you

there's nothing quite like getting a letter through the door. it's a dying art, i know, but one that i really wish people were more interested in. it's so personal, heartfelt and sentimental: a real touch of elegance. i need to write more, we all do, so if you're up for having an unreliable pen pal, let me know and we can be new (or existing) friends. anyway, letters led me to emails which, in turn, led me to junk emails and you'll really want to see how this one pans out.

i don't check my junk emails very often. i'm young enough to ignore the viagra emails and old enough to glance over the obvious scams and viruses so that rules out about 85% of my folder. there's a few that slip through the net, the odd file that is far from junk, but the majority is aptly deleted after however many days. every so often, you have a day where a diamond in the junk catches your eye. today was one of those days.

"what the fuck are you on about?"

introducing "natasha". well, to be frank, the email was from natasha@somethingsuspect.com (not 100% accurate) but she introduced herself as nataliya so who knows what the fuck she's called. anyway, it turns out she was writing to me for one thing and one thing only. let's take a look see SHALL WE?

i smell hope! 

now, rather disastrously, i saved this heartfelt message to my chromebook but ended up mass deleting my junk folder so, natasha/nataliya, if you're reading this, i'm sorry it's so impersonal and public but there really was no other way to write to you.

"first of all, hi! it's great to hear from you. i am quite shocked (not electrically, just fyi) your're writing to me of all people but thanks for taking the time out of your busy russian schedule all the same. i am so good right now, and i hope you are too. thank god you're writing about dating, i was worried you were after my "money" or "body" but you sound pretty legit already.

my main problem is this agent you're talking about. whilst the memories of my escorting days are constantly haunting my every waking minute, i'm not contactable through an agent (anymore) so it's starting to sound a bit suspect. i'm glad you're using an internet cafe though, i was just talking about how letters are a dying art and i guess e-caffs are pretty redundant too so good on you. i like a girl that's a bit different. knows what she wants.

you tried to specify a lot of things but i feel the language barrier is getting in the way a bit. you want to hit the agent? or the cafe? or me? i don't think i'm into any of those things, sorry petal. and whilst your name is stunningly awkward to write, you're a little bit older than me, which i can deal with, and your genitals are maybe that little bit too concave right now. but honey, i feel you about country men: they disappoint all of us. don't let them raise a hand to you: you're a strong independent black woman (at heart).

now, this agent is starting to get on my tits a bit. looking for a girl to marry? i think something got lost in translation. i'm looking for a girl to "carry"... my future babies. hopefully you're still keen, natty. whilst we're on the subject, the internet really is a scary place so i'd prefer our kids to live in the cellar of our terraced russian den if that's okay with you? i just don't want them growing up too much or at all. family really is important, human centipede kind of important. do you agree?

i'm not so hot on phonecalls and the idea of meeting inside skype terrifies me so maybe we could just bite the bullet and meet up in person? i've just looked at flights and i'll need about £560 (that's 33582 rubles to you) if we're hoping to get this thing done before winter comes. a summer baby would be lovely, wouldn't it? bank details to follow.

and lastly, trust really is the most important thing. so, when i'm out all night and you get a phonecall from juan and pablo telling you that i'm in hospital because of a severe gerbilling incident, i don't want you to worry. there's nothing weird happening there at all. and you need to trust me if this is going to work. 

can't wait to hear from you nat! i feel like we're so close already. get on those pre-natal vitamins and get rid of every sugar in your diet. thanks in advance for all of this. you're the best.

yours truly and honestly, 

uncle mitchy 

xoxo"